It’s the day after Valentine’s Day, and as I sit in my downtown Toronto apartment, the remnants of last night’s evening—crumpled candy wrappers and half empty bottle of non-alcoholic shiraz—still linger around me. In my usual fashion, I found myself scrolling through Instagram this morning, searching for a quick hit of dopamine to pull me out of my post-Valentine’s daze. That’s when I stumbled upon a quote that struck a nerve:
“Hard Truth. Your marriage is your child’s blueprint for love, conflict, and respect. Sons repeat it, Daughters accept it. It’s up to you to raise your standard.” – Maria Elizabeth
I’ve seen this quote before, and it’s been sitting with me all day, picking at the corners of my mind. As a neurodivergent millennial, navigating a world that constantly tells us how to find love, I have to admit—I have a lot of thoughts about it.
Let me start by saying that I have never been married, nor do I have any plans to do so in the foreseeable future. Being an only child raised in a marriage forged more from convenience and trauma than from love and affection, I’ve witnessed the cycle of toxicity unfold. Friends of mine have mirrored these patterns, desperately searching for someone to “complete” them, as if we are somehow incomplete without a partner. It’s a narrative we’re fed from a young age. The fairy tales show us that finding love is the ultimate goal while neglecting to teach us how to build a healthy relationship with ourselves first.
This quote resonated deeply with me, yet I find myself disagreeing with its underlying message. I’ve had a front-row seat to the relationships in my life, and I simply do not want to repeat the patterns I’ve seen laid before me. I’ve nearly fallen into those same traps myself—losing parts of who I am in the process. It’s a dangerous dance of becoming someone’s idea of what love should look like rather than staying true to myself.
Do I want to be chosen? Of course. Who doesn’t crave the warmth that comes from being loved and embraced? But herein lies the crux: I don’t need to be chosen. I wake up every day and make the conscious choice to love and prioritize myself. That, my friends, is more than enough. It might not fill the void on days when loneliness creeps in or when I long for someone to hold me close, but it’s fulfilling in a way that a fleeting relationship could never offer.
Life rarely unfolds the way we expect, nor does it adhere to our carefully laid plans. However, I’ve come to realize that doing the emotional work—facing my traumas, understanding my triggers, and cultivating a healthy relationship with myself—has yielded far greater rewards than any love story I could pin on a vision board. Building a foundation upon self-love and acceptance has allowed me to create my own blueprint that isn’t limited to romantic ideals.
When I reflect on the people I idolized and longed to have in my corner during my formative years, it becomes clear that they were often flawed and human, just like me. I’ve spent countless hours working to embody the qualities I admired in them—compassion, resilience, authenticity. I’ve embarked on this journey of self-discovery not only for myself but also in hopes of being a better friend and ally to those who seek connection in their lives.
So, here I am in downtown Toronto, a place bustling with love, loneliness, chaos, and community. I’m learning that being single doesn’t mean I’m incomplete; rather, it offers me the freedom to explore my individuality and redefine what love—both for myself and others—looks like.
As humanity pushes forward, we must challenge those blueprints handed down to us, recognizing that they are not rigid structures but rather guides that can be redrafted to fit our unique narratives. Our stories do not have to mirror those of our parents or friends; we can create our own pathways infused with love, respect, and conflict when it arises.
Who knows? Perhaps one day I’ll find someone who complements my life beautifully, but for now, I’m perfectly content being my own best friend in this bustling metropolis. After all, the journey of loving myself is a beautiful adventure in its own right. And for that, I’ll always choose myself.
Great article!